:: All That You Can't Leave Behind ::

:: Sunday, June 05, 2005 ::

In continuing with my pattern of posting only once a month... Here is June's entry! It's not intentional really. I've actually typed some things here and there this last month but for some reason I never make it over to the "Publish Post" button... I'm thinking about updating the background. It's so dreadfully dark and while I do enjoy that, I'd like something different. Unfortunately, Blogger doesn't have a whole wide variety of templates like they used to. I don't know where they went but now the selection is relatively sparse. Boo and hiss indeed.

I'm posting this quote because I truly enjoy it and because it won't fit into my "Quote of the Moment" space... Too many characters. Enjoy eveyone.

"Under Bush, in the past five years, the U.S. has made zero new friends. But we have made a huge number of new and increasingly venomous enemies. And no, they don't hate us because of our malls, Dubya. They don't hate us because of our freedoms. They don't hate us because of our low-cut jeans and our moronic 8 MPG Ford Expeditions or our corrupt Diebold voting system that snuck you into office. They hate us, George, because of our policies. Anti-Muslim. Pro-Israel. Oil-uber-alles. Anti-U.N. Anti-Kyoto. Anti-planet. Pro-war. Pro-insularity. Pseudo-swagger. Bogus staged 'town hall' meetings stocked with prescreened monosyllabic Bush sycophants. Ego. Empire." -- SFGate.com columnist Mark Morford
:: Estoy_Libre 3:05 PM [+] ::
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What Becomes Of The Broken-Hearted?

I do hope at some point I could actually post something here that was happy. I find that I really only write when I'm upset and need to vent. Very rarely do I contemplate things that are going smoothly. I don't understand why I feel like things just happen to me. It makes me feel like a powerless victim. I detest that.

My source of pain right now stems from, of course, a girl.

I had been emailing this girl for a while and we had REALLY hit it off by both of our own admissions. I have never connected with someone like that, been so open and up front, no bullshit. It was great.

She told me today that as much as she liked me, she had met someone else and she really wanted to pursue that relationship instead.

If it hadn't been what it had been I really wouldn't have cared. I could've been very whatever about the whole situation. However, that's not the case and I'm instead really upset. Lexington is a small, dismal place for lesbian dating. I was shocked that there was someone else out there, in my own back yard, that felt the way I did. I wanted to make an effort, to see it through, but wasn't given the chance. Cut off at the knees. Again.

I really don't know why I bother anymore. This just hurts too much.
:: Estoy_Libre 3:32 PM [+] ::
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And My Girlfriend's Name Is...

Sometimes I think that couples look down upon single people. I don't know if it's conscious or not, or even if it's intentional. Maybe it's my own issue, my own manifestation, but I think I'm on to something.

I felt like it happened when I just got off the phone with a friend of mine. She, her girlfriend, myself, and another mutual friend were planning to go to Liquid tonight for their "Lesbo-A-GoGo" night (Pause for giggles and laughter). At the last minute they decided to stay home so they could pack (they're moving into a new home soon) but told me to go ahead and check it out, then report back if it was worth the trip. Now I'm an understanding person who is more reasonable that I'd care to admit. But the whole thing came off as, "We don't need to go troll around, looking for a date/love/sex, we already have each other! What could be better? Mwahahaha!"

I know this is loaded but damn it this is how it is in my head. I know that wasn't the intention, I love those two very much. However, I've always been the third wheel with lesbians (Damn U-Haul). I'm beginning to realize how much I hate it. I hate sitting by myself on the couch while the love birds hold hands, kiss, hug, whatever the fuck ya know?

Part of me honestly doesn't feel validated because I've never been in a relationship. Granted I was involved in a heated, unrequited love friendship for four years but I'm sick of thinking about it and her. I gave her all I could give and my answer was a deafening silence that's lasted almost three years. I know it's scared me. I don't want to admit how much. I don't like to admit how I really loath it, how it feels like a noose tightening around my neck. How I feel a hatred towards her but feel a sharp, deep pang of loss, rejection, and sadness at the same time. I had convinced myself it was over but it's crept back up since she'll marry on the 30th of April.

To give someone your heart and a part of your soul only to have it rejected will fuck you up. I wasn't enough for her. She didn't choose me. She chose that asshat fiance of hers named Gabe (the guy really is a jerk, that's not just my jaded opinion). How do you stop? I thought I did. I thought I was ready. For so fucking long I thought I was ready and here I am again at square one, still feeling like shit, still wondering what's wrong with me. Still missing her. Still empty.
:: Estoy_Libre 7:57 PM [+] ::
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Bacardi 151 Congratulations! You're 132 proof, with specific scores in beer (80) , wine (133), and liquor (86).

All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 70% on proof You scored higher than 93% on beer index You scored higher than 98% on wine index You scored higher than 94% on liquor index

Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid

:: Estoy_Libre 10:54 AM [+] ::
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I Don't Want My MTV (At Least The Current Incarnation)

I know I'm not pointing out anything obvious but damn MTV is vapid as hell.

I used to think that MTV was an important outlet that exposed a large audience to things that they wouldn't normally encounter, namely gays and lesbians (R.I.P. Pedro), and to an extent I think the ability is still there, but the rest of the time that channel is garbage (Save for Pimp My Ride which I love).

I recently spent an unfortunate hour watching two of the most recent episodes of "My Super Sweet Sixteen". If this is America's future please grant me asylum in Canada or just kill me now. I think I'm still in shock over these people and their sense of entitlement, that the world should just bow at their feet and be damned for anyone else. I'm amazed that these "parents" are rewarding these girls with an obnoxious party when they lack basic self-control or humbleness. It must be nice thinking your God's gift.

I realize, dear reader, you might think that I'm bitter but in reality I'm not. That's the crucial difference though. I'm in reality and these girls are soooo far off on Planet Self-Absorbed that they won't realize until it's too late that all the money or material things in the world won't buy you love or happiness. It only makes me angry because it's saddening to see such insecure people running around thinking that bigger is better and that it will fulfill their every wish or desire.

Money and/or material things will not fill that void. It never has and never will. You're only kidding yourself otherwise.

I will expound on this thought later. Time for GSA.
:: Estoy_Libre 6:26 PM [+] ::
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Unusual Musings

* UK deserves a number two seed. In fact, I'm glad that Florida beat them today because quite frankly we looked like were in the pee wee JV league finals instead of the SEC finals. We sucked today and I'm glad we lost. BTW it was so "original" to have us play EKU in the first round, really fuckin' original.

* I'm sickly/allergy right now. I hate this. I suck at being sick.

* I went tubing yesterday at Perfect North. It was my first time (haven't been able to say that in a while) and it was quite neat.

* It grates on my nerves how everyone on Sean Hannity's radio show, including himself, is a "great American". That's setting the bar quite low is it not?

* The following was my PlanetOut horoscope: "You're feeling great today. To say you're ready for romance is a little bit like saying that someone stuck in a desert is ready for a glass of water. Bring it on! You're definitely ready."

I must not have been a Taurus today.

* MusicMatch Radio rocks my socks. I'm listening to "Hits From 1998" and will probably move to "1999" here in a moment, if not to "Ethnic Fusion", or maybe "Space Rock". I'm a happy girl.
:: Estoy_Libre 11:29 PM [+] ::
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Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match

I think I've underestimated my powers and should now just use them for evil instead of good. Somehow, I've managed to hook up two people that I already had separate crushes on. How do I do this? I am amazed. Now the gratitude is just flowing my way due to my completely unintentional co-mingling of people.

Fuckity, fuck.

As if it wasn't difficult enough, I've managed to screw myself over twice at the same time.
:: Estoy_Libre 1:00 AM [+] ::
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Why Can't Marcia Cross Be Gay?

I love redheads. Always have, always will. There's something utterly unique and sexy about them. My love affair with those who are fire-inclined started years ago with Shirley Manson of Garbage fame. Ever since I've been hooked, flitting from one ginger-haired beauty to the next. Most recently, Melissa Archer on OLTL. Which brings me to the topic of my entry...

WHY CAN'T MARCIA CROSS BE GAY?

Damn the woman makes my knees go weak!

I was going to wax poetic about this a bit more but think that I'll just leave my impassioned plea as it is... God bless Red!
:: Estoy_Libre 4:52 PM [+] ::
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The One Where I Quit

So yeah... I gave the BC my two weeks notice on Monday. To say it's still surreal is an understatement. Part of me still can't believe I actually did it, that there is no turning back. When I leave on the 12th I will turn in my lab coats, my key fob, my time card, ect. Never again will I express a platelet or freeze a unit of blood. No more granulocytes or cryoprecipitate. Nothing.

If it makes any sense my job felt like an emotionally abusive relationship. It's amazing what you will put up with for the supposed "security" it brings. To say my self-esteem about my job performance is somewhere in the dirt is an understatement. Even when you know you've done your best somehow the doubt creeps in or it's shoved in your face by others who are all too willing to point out your mistakes.

Everything came to a head last Thursday when my manager called me into her office right after I arrived to work. She sat me down and gave me this "Written Counseling Report" that was full of either lies or things that were blown so out of proportion that it was laughable. I was told that if the behavior continued I would be terminated.

So... Exactly how do I stop doing something I wasn't even doing in the first place?

She was taking all this BS as gospel from my shift supervisor, who makes no attempt to hide her dis-affection for gay people. No matter how "nice" she is to my face, she's probably one of the most two-faced people I've ever encountered in my life. Never have I met someone so hell-bent on making others miserable or unhappy. If it was her intention to get me fired or for me to quit then I guess she got what she wanted. I know from personal experience how difficult it is without the help of one more person so my absence is more than enough revenge.

Still... How can someone do that to another? How wretched must your life be to thrive on the misfortune of others, especially when it was your own actions that put it motion? The epitome of schadenfreude.

There is a positive side however.

On Feb. 26th I'll be flying down to Florida to spend five days in Key West! Fuck yeah!

I'll stick my toes in the sand and recuperate in a timely manner. Catch a few rays and moped around the island while checkin' out the ladies... Yum. There's a bunch of stuff I need to do before then but I'll have two weeks to take care of all of it.

As excited as I am about it, I'm apprehensive about money. I'm trying super hard to focus on the fun part but knowing that I just quit my job is making me as well as my bills a bit twitchy. Everything happens for a reason though and I'm guessing I'll pull through somehow.
:: Estoy_Libre 1:39 AM [+] ::
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Kentucky's Elite Eatin' Good In The Neighborhood

I enjoy reading a blog by a guy named Tom Tomorrow who does a cartoon called "This Modern World". I was quite frankly floored when I saw this on his website. Aren't you proud that license plate is a KY one? A veteran one at that? Hope you enjoy your "Brewtus" you jerk-off. This must be U.S. foreign policy in action.
:: Estoy_Libre 1:36 AM [+] ::
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Yellow Snow

Ever wanted to have your name forever etched in fresh snow? Go here.


:: Estoy_Libre 1:22 AM [+] ::
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Trainspotting

I was waiting at the train tracks the other day on my way to pick up Thai food for lunch when I saw something quite odd. I wasn't paying much attention to the passing cars (Because who really gives a poo about trains anyway?) until I looked up randomly to be confronted with the following phrase etched onto a passing train car:

DO NOT HUMP

Now this wasn't spray painted on by some felonious youth, it genuinely looked like it had been purposely put on there by the distributor. Now I don't know a damn thing about trains but is that really necessary? Is this really a problem? Granted, I can't count the number of times *I've* wanted to go to a train yard and pop one off but to have to permanently emblazon the side of a train car with it? That's just down right passe'.
:: Estoy_Libre 1:06 AM [+] ::
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The One Where She's Dedicated Her Life To Christ

So I've got an incredible knack for picking out unavailable women...

I was merrily working along at the K-Roger the other day where my eyes fell upon a fair maiden of desperate beauty... I was enveloped by excitement! Wow was she beautiful. Dark curly hair, tall, and stunning. I craned my neck for a better view. Oh how I edged toward the lane behind me to get a closer look.

Until my eyes fell again. This time onto a name tag that said "Sister Dietz" of the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

*Silence*

Well fuck a duck...
:: Estoy_Libre 11:56 AM [+] ::
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Bush's Psalm 23

I've been wanting to post this for a few weeks but always forget so here it is, courtesy of an interesting yet strangely titled website, Dog Skin Report...

Bush Is My Shepard

Bush is my shepherd; I shall dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego?s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.


:: Estoy_Libre 1:42 AM [+] ::
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Happy 24th Birthday Eden!
:: Estoy_Libre 11:30 PM [+] ::
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Happy New Year

So as another year comes to a close I sit here and wonder about things. Wonder where I'm going, what I'm going to be doing. Where I might be this time next year. Right now I'm sitting in The Boy's apartment typing this out on his laptop, watching the Golden Girls simultaneously. I do believe we'll be on our way out to The Dame and then Mia's for drinks to ring in the new year.

I hope all of you have a good new year and I wish the best for all of us. Hopefully my next post will be an exciting one. Thanks for reading.
:: Estoy_Libre 8:34 PM [+] ::
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The One Where I Can't Believe How Long It's Been Since I've Posted

I forgot that I had typed up this nice little entry around Thanksgiving time and for some reason or another lost it in the posting transition. It was long and detailed so needless to say I wasn't willing to write it again and just left my blog in the suspended state of Election Week.

I wish I had something to contribute to your day, dear reader but I don't think it's to be. I think that I'm experiencing one of those down-hill-moments on the roller coaster of life. One day just blurs into the next and somehow I find myself on my days off thinking "Time for this again?" I don't even think I'd call what I'm going through "living". I actually looked that word up and the responses are foreign to me. "Quality of life", "interesting and relevant", "realistic or true to life". If I was to describe my situation none of those phrases comes even relatively close.

I'm not truly living. I know that and it scares me. I'm settling for something that shouldn't even be considered a consolation prize. I'm trying to keep some faith in the idea of when a door closes, a window will open. To say I'm frantically searching for glass is an understatement.

I search for alternatives but nothing has materialized yet. I thought about school but missed the application deadline by two days. I campaigned harder than I ever have for a job, at Joseph-Beth, only to get a few call backs and then eventually the frigid shoulder that is known as voicemail. I search the Careers section but nothing yet that I'm either qualified to do or would pay me enough.

Every time I think things have smoothed out they get bumpy if not totally cracked out. I'm tired of wondering when things will change when I'm trying my best to do just that. I know it won't magically happen on it's own but it's terribly disconcerting and counterproductive to try all you can with the same damn results. What more am I supposed to do? To top that off I come home from work tonight and my mom has already decorated the tree without me. For some reason she tells me there's more to do but, usless she's smokin' crack, the tree was done. WTF? Someone help me please...
:: Estoy_Libre 11:52 PM [+] ::
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Some Post-Election Pick-Me-Ups (Sorta)

Time Magazine's Man Of The Year

Bush Campaigning In Detroit

Dean Defeats Bush!

Duct Tape

Bush was a busy guy during the debates, furiously scribbling away while John Kerry was speaking. I've managed to obtain a copy of his Sept. 30 debate notes, which you will find here

Florida voting... This a QuickTime clip. You have been warned.

Finally... New bumperstickers
:: Estoy_Libre 2:30 PM [+] ::
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This Is What Happens When We Don't Use Protection

So I don't know how ya'll feel but skeezy would cover it I suppose. Somehow America has been sprayed with Analese and again it's getting hit up from the proverbial "Back Door".

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Was Kerry so unbelievably worse than Bush that the only option was to vote for Bush instead?

*Where are the WMD?
*Where the fuck is Osama?
*Give me three legitimate reasons for the positive effect of a "pre-emptive strike"?
*Yes, we have Saddam but where is this smooth transition? This welcome wagon of "insurgents"?
*Why in God's name do we not even have a f-ing exit strategy before hand?
*Why and for what legitimate reason are troops dying everyday in Iraq?
*Why is it a good thing to make LGBT people second-class citizens?
*Why is it ok to leave this nation in trillions of debt for the succeeding generations?
*Why are national parks and wildlife refuges being destroyed for oil and other non-renewable energy sources?
*WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT BUSH FOUR MORE YEARS?!?!?!?!

My only minuscule consolation is the fact that this total fuck-tard cannot legally run again. God bless America!

I leave you with this insightful Hunter S. Thompson quote: "Four more years of George Bush will be like four more years of syphilis."

-End Transmission-




:: Estoy_Libre 1:24 PM [+] ::
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Between The Devil & Me

A trip to Keeneland was made yesterday and I proceeded to loose about $20 respectively. I would like to win sometime. When I was a wee one and my family would go I'd always win something. Apparently the 10 year old bettor is more proficient than the 21 year old. Oh well... I must say though that I had the best whiskey sour in some time. I've gotten used to Mia's Southern Comfort base as opposed to Jack Daniels. I don't know about you but I do believe Jack is my new drinkin' buddy.

I've been really racking my brain over a good Halloween costume and I think I might have found it. I'm going to wear my scrubs with a hand-made sign that says either "Free Breast Exams" or "Free Pelvic Exams". I'm not sure which I'll do, if I'll even to either but it's still an idea, albeit a tacky one (Thanks to my dyke-at-arms friend Mendy).

I recently saw the movie Saved! and it's quite entertaining. I was completely and utterly distracted by the character Cassandra played by Eva Amurri (Susan Sarandon's daughter). Pictures don't do the girl justice, so see the movie to get the full experience. She is exquisite.

I guess all she needed was Nexium.
:: Estoy_Libre 11:19 PM [+] ::
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