:: All That You Can't Leave Behind ::
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| *Madam Secretary* By Madeleine K. Albright |
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:: Monday, April 04, 2005 ::
And My Girlfriend's Name Is...
Sometimes I think that couples look down upon single people. I don't know if it's conscious or not, or even if it's intentional. Maybe it's my own issue, my own manifestation, but I think I'm on to something.
I felt like it happened when I just got off the phone with a friend of mine. She, her girlfriend, myself, and another mutual friend were planning to go to Liquid tonight for their "Lesbo-A-GoGo" night (Pause for giggles and laughter). At the last minute they decided to stay home so they could pack (they're moving into a new home soon) but told me to go ahead and check it out, then report back if it was worth the trip. Now I'm an understanding person who is more reasonable that I'd care to admit. But the whole thing came off as, "We don't need to go troll around, looking for a date/love/sex, we already have each other! What could be better? Mwahahaha!"
I know this is loaded but damn it this is how it is in my head. I know that wasn't the intention, I love those two very much. However, I've always been the third wheel with lesbians (Damn U-Haul). I'm beginning to realize how much I hate it. I hate sitting by myself on the couch while the love birds hold hands, kiss, hug, whatever the fuck ya know?
Part of me honestly doesn't feel validated because I've never been in a relationship. Granted I was involved in a heated, unrequited love friendship for four years but I'm sick of thinking about it and her. I gave her all I could give and my answer was a deafening silence that's lasted almost three years. I know it's scared me. I don't want to admit how much. I don't like to admit how I really loath it, how it feels like a noose tightening around my neck. How I feel a hatred towards her but feel a sharp, deep pang of loss, rejection, and sadness at the same time. I had convinced myself it was over but it's crept back up since she'll marry on the 30th of April.
To give someone your heart and a part of your soul only to have it rejected will fuck you up. I wasn't enough for her. She didn't choose me. She chose that asshat fiance of hers named Gabe (the guy really is a jerk, that's not just my jaded opinion). How do you stop? I thought I did. I thought I was ready. For so fucking long I thought I was ready and here I am again at square one, still feeling like shit, still wondering what's wrong with me. Still missing her. Still empty.
:: Estoy_Libre 7:57 PM [+] ::
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