:: All That You Can't Leave Behind ::
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:: Thursday, November 27, 2003 ::
Turkey? Family Fun? Shotgun Please!
Whatever happened to that warm and fuzzy feeling that came over me as a child when the idea of the holidays swept through my brain? It seems to have escaped me the last three or four years. It has now given way to dread and irritation at the idea of being anywhere near certain individuals (lest we forget the presence of knives and other sharp, pointy objects) that are part of my blood-related kin. Throw in the mix a slight dash (such an understatement) of adult beverages and let the games begin! The year before last was especially wonderful when a nasty argument broke out at the dinner table and people left crying. Ah... The holidays!
Turkey Day this year went relatively smoothly, which was a relief. My father's side didn't fare so well. I have not seen nor spoken to my father in almost a year. From where I am coming from right now, that doesn't really bother me. He has lost his place in my life and it's very hard for me to imagine him in it, considering he is still the same aggravating, controlling, guilt-trippin' individual he's always been. Where's the love without strings attached? I'm sure he'd be the last person to know.
I will admit that I don't enjoy the division that has occurred but what am I supposed to do? Grin and bear it? Feel horrible after every encounter just to keep up appearances? Bullshit. I wish my grandmother wasn't caught in the middle of this but he's using her too. I don't want to hurt her but I feel like my hands are tied. I cannot and will not willing put myself in such a precarious position. I finally decide to protect myself and all I get is shit for it in return. Isn't it incredibly twisted that the people who are supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally end up being the ones that you should run away from? The ones that haunt you and make you feel insignificant?
I don't want to dampen your Turkey spirits with this tale of holiday mirth and woe. Just please be thankful this year for what you have. For some of us, you can't always go home again.
What I'm Thankful For This Year
* I'm alive, healthy, and relatively sane
* My blood-related kin
* My non-blood-related kin
* My job (even though it sucks, at least I have one)
* The Four Agreements
* Realizing that love is still attainable and that I can still feel just as deeply and passionately
* Calico R.I.P.
* My brother being stationed in Arizona instead of Iraq
I'm sure there's more but my brain is shutting down. I'm reserving the right to edit!
:: Estoy_Libre 10:55 PM [+] ::
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